Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
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The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?