Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
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want me to check your oil?
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Lmfao
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*