Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
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Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.