Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
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my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem