Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

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for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

Jurassic park gets weird

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”