Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
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Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.