Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
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me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
just left a huge legacy in there
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Family Celebrity
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed