Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
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Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure