My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
You Might Also Like
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.