What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
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When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.