Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
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Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆