Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication