Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
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Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Check out the legs on this baby
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
❤️🦆
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.