Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …