Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box