Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.