Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
You Might Also Like
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement