Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
You Might Also Like
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.