Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.