Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
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I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!