Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
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I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Cucumbers Anonymous
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.