Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
You Might Also Like
🤣could you imagine
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND