Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh yeh? Explain this then

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

My fantasy football season is going great

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not