Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.