Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids