Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread