Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner