Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
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Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”