marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
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“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please