marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
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Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
my favorite genre of twitter
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*