marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
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You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
The news
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes