marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
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Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.