Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
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*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Story time
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.