Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
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ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Coffee is ready.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.