Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken