Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
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My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.