Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
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“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I am a gravy boat captain
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
me doing my best
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night