Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

my sentiments exactly

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.