Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
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COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
This bar smells like my childhood.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I put the I in Insufferable.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
If my kids invented a drink.
