Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
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If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Can’t stop laughing
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.