Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

When does CPR become necrophilia?

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*