Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.