Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
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When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
a badder mouse
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”