Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
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My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I think I’m having a stroke
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
i wouldn’t say I have an addiction, but the ladies at my local Taco Bell just threw me a surprise baby shower.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.