Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.