Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
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Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
