Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
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I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
North and South
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
me opening up to someone
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
When news reporters do sports stories
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense