Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
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Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?