Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

I have never related to a cat more

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!