Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

The sacred texts.

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

My boss called in sick of me

And then there were 4

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.