Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Cat or sheep
Bruh 😂
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Good dog. ❤️
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
They did not miss in the small print
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.