Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
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20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter