Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
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ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior