Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
You Might Also Like
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Wolves should really raise more people.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.