Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
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What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
(True)
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem