Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.