Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
You Might Also Like
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Wait a minute…
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay