Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
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I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*