Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

Probably my best painting.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

*pouring wine over ice cream*

No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.