Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

rest in peas

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”