Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window