Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
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My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
lmfao come on
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I think this should do it.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.