Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
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Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.