Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
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waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
when there are deer in the woods
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”