Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

A dead goose is called a ghoost

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

They did not think through this water fountain

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.