Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics