Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”