@Cheeseboy22

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

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@djdarrellripley

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

@Izianikapani

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

@stonedcoldlazy

Things I’ve learned on Twitter:
1. A Twitter Crush is not a soft drink
2. Naps rule
3. Pants are optional
4. Everybody hates Nickelback

@_ElvishPresley_

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

@Home_Halfway

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

@NYC_Blonde

By the power vested in me by this vintage merlot, I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may now kiss the bottle.

@ZackBornstein

OMG my 5-year-old just put down her Legos and said “I was willing to give Joe Biden the benefit of the doubt from his time with Obama, but openly praising Dick Cheney, who orchestrated the legal precedent for torture, war crimes, and exacerbating global warming is disqualifying.”