Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
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Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Me too 😆
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.