Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Ain’t no way

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send