Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
mathematically impossible
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
What
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
