Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
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i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy