Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
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I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.