Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

Risking my life for fun.

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all