Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Me recordaron éste meme
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
next level snooze
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this