Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
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Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress