marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
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[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites