Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic