Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.